Reflections on the 2019 VMA’s
“I do my hair toss, check my nails
Baby, how you feeling?”
In the Summer of 2019 I was FAR FAR away from feeling good as hell. Living in Bushwick, Brooklyn with a partner, having an unfortunate encounter with the NYPD, and moving 2-4 times within the first 8 months of the year had taken a toll on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Despite this, I’d also received my yoga Teacher 200-hr certification from Deyha Yoga school in Queens, NY. The practice of learning yoga with a cohort of black women, elders, and femmes truly preserved my soul during this time.
In August of 2019, I was transitioning into a new position with a startup company and while taking a trip to the Chinese restaurant (in the rain) I received a text message from a connection in the dance world about an audition for Lizzo. Immediately I responded asking for the details and knew I’d be there no matter what.
Sidebar: I auditioned for Lizzo twice earlier in 2019, once for Coachella and again for the Tempo music video. We met on MTV’s TRL and she told me that my booty was soft.
The next day, I bought a new outfit, went to the printer, and headed to the audition in New York for Lizzo. When I arrived, a past colleague/friend was at the door. I was stunned, we had not talked in years but at one point were really close. For a moment, I thought I should leave but I stayed. The audition was welcoming, as Jemel McWilliams specifically said, we are looking for big black women/femmes for this gig. I just knew this was for me.
After auditioning, Jemel asked me for my name and I knew that I booked this gig. A few days later, he called me and said, “We need your energy for this performance.” I accepted the offer and he ended the call by saying, “I’ll see you at the 2019 MTV VMA’s!”
Sidebar: My life's work has been “working on my energy.” To hear from Jemel, that my energy was necessary, it felt like my hard work was being recognized.
Back to the story, I rehearsed for a week, met Lizzo, and shared my heart/energy/love with a community of black women and femmes. This experience was a dream come true. On the day of our dress rehearsal at the Prudential Center, in Newark, NJ I remember walking on the stage and looking into the seats. I turned around and saw this huge inflatable ass and immediately broke into tears. I kept saying, “Wow, that’s me, that’s me.” I had never seen my body represented in reverence on a national stage in such a glorious way.
Lizzo represents a manifestation of the same energy work that I have committed myself to, which is the commitment to love with/in all things. Like Lizzo, I’ve worked through so much to believe that I’m deserving of “good as hell” and performing with her solidified that I’ve arrived at the place I worked hard for.
I spoke a bit more about this on the Bad Gyal Chat podcast, which you can listen to here.